COMING HOME

Here is an article I wrote for Spirit of Change magazine in the fall of 2014.  My caregiving role has finished and I am free to move forward in this new direction.  All of our ultimate goals are to symbolically come home…to ourselves  My intention for this Blog journey is to be a guide on your own journey home.

Article:  I turned age 65 in May, 2014.  I am now considered a senior.  Two years ago, I left my professional life and home in Arizona and moved into my parent’s home in Massachusetts to care for them.  They have lived in their home since I was in second grade.  Moving into my childhood home felt a bit unsettling, but I knew it was the right thing to do at that time in our lives.  Little did I know that this job was going to take me on a physical, emotional and spiritual roller coaster ride.

Both my mother, age 86 and my father, age 88, had taken good care of themselves throughout their lives and were still mall walking five days a week until my father got sick at age 82.  Dad got depressed after the death of his beloved dog and did not recover in spite of medication and family support.  Within a few months, he showed signs of dementia and he slowly lost his ability to perform family responsibilities.  My mother resentfully, was forced to take over duties she had never done before.

During phone conversations and visits over the next years, I noticed that everything was starting to unravel.  The light, love, laughter and care for each other and their home was deteriorating.  There was no way, without assistance,  that they could come back to a level that would meet their basic needs.  After months of looking at my options, I suggested that I move in with them to offer support.  My mother was thrilled and relieved.  This move would benefit me as well, since, I yearned to live closer to my children and grandchildren who all lived in New England.

So begins the journey of maintaining my life while experiencing the demands of becoming a full-time caregiver.  Like many people, I have worked on healing my own habitual childhood patterns and have evolved into a somewhat healthy adult.  What I quickly discovered was that healing is a lifetime process and if I thought I was done with it…I was delusional!

The first months were a lot of fun.  Mom was starved for socialization since my father stopped wanting to leave the house.  We spent a lot of time going out for meals, shopping and visiting family and friends.  My lifestyle was already being tested with lots of restaurant food and with cooking their favorite comfort foods at home.  My parents were used to eating lots of beef, bread and potatoes, all of which, I had not eaten much of in years.  My exercise routine, which was almost daily, started to slacken as well.  I was not finding the time to go to the gym classes that I used to enjoy.  As the same time, I was aware of these personal challenges, but I thought that I would get it together soon .  #norealplan

In January 2013, a friend offered me a 20 hour/week marketing position which I quickly accepted.  I was now going to get a little balance in my daily routine.  Within six months, my mother’s heart disease and swallowing problem worsened and she was admitted to the hospital for a week.  With this new occurrence, I decided that I did not have the time to do both jobs.  Slightly resentful, I stepped back into the role of full-time caregiver for both parents.  I also hired a Home Health company to provided personal care assistance for my parents.

Noticing feelings of resentment and occasional anger, sometimes leading to anxiety, I wondered where I was.  People kept telling me how blessed I was to be able to care for my parents in their end years.  I did not feel blessed.  I knew I had to remember all that I have learned throughout my adult healing journey.  To wake up, come back to the present, get out of victimhood,  to tune in to the healthy adult that I have become filled with love, honor and respect.  Where did she go?  How easy it was to lose my footing and slip back into the past and be the little girl who had no self-esteem or power, whining and complaining about how unfair it all was!

It took some time, but I recognized my emotional connection to the past and realized that the person who was experiencing this drama was not me  She was the ghost of the past, the False Self running the show.  I was able to fully accept the present, that is, no longer resist this mission that I had chosen.  I began to walk daily and take yoga classes.  I started cooking healthy soups and stews which I enjoy while continuing to prepare comfort foods for mom and dad.  I was feeling empowered as I took control of my daily life, all of which improved my attitude.

I was able to care for my parents with more love and compassion, seeing it all as an opportunity to share this special time.  Mom was so grateful that I was living with them and that I was able to increase their quality of life.  I finally felt blessed!

I wrote about the inner peace that I was beginning to feel in my daily journal.  I also wrote about periods of fearful emotions and worry over what my future held when caregiving finished.  I reminded myself to come back to the present and be grateful and thankful for all that I am and all that I have.  I had faith and trust that my life would unfold in the right timing as long as I stayed in alignment with my heart and Soul.

My mother passed away in a peaceful sleep in August 2014.  I thought I was all grown up when I moved in with my parents, yet within these past years,  my life has evolved into a higher understanding of what it truly means to be an adult.  I am still living with dad who needs assistance with all aspects of daily living, yet my compassion and love for him fills my heart in spite of the fact that he keeps asking me when I’m going home!